the one who's most like me
by Seto's Darkness
Summary: Judar struggles to find the one person who will make him complete. :: Judar/Hakuryuu :: set in canon; spoilers up until 245th night ::


- originally posted in AO3

**•••**

He has lived his life feeling like he's missing something.

Almost as though there's a huge hole in his psyche, almost as though he's forgetting something very vital to his existence, almost as though he isn't living exactly until he discovers what it is.

It's not a great feeling, to be honest, but he doesn't have much of a choice, does he?

He doesn't even know how to explain the gaping hole that he feels every single moment of his existence.

He tries to say something to Ithnan, to Gyokuen, to anyone.

They don't tell him anything about that gap.

Instead, they ask him to focus on his training.

Sometimes, they tell him that he should focus on using magic to braid his hair, a sign of a wonderful magi.

Sometimes, they strap him down to a long table, with priests with hoods over their faces looming over him, chanting unfamiliar words over and over and over and he feels darkness surround him, suffocate him, submerge him into another world.

He learns things as he grows older.

War is fun.

Chaos is fun.

Fighting is fun.

There are lots of things that are enjoyable, so he should forget about that hole in his existence and enjoy life as it is. That hag tells him in a very sickly sweet voice that he's replaceable, should he suddenly decide to shirk on his responsibilities. Ithnan tells him in a very bored voice that he can do whatever he wanted as long as he did whatever they wanted.

There are lots of fun things to do so that he can stop thinking about the ache inside his body.

It works for a long, long time.

He meets that stupid Sinbad and feels a weird twinge in his bones.

He meets Kouen and feels that same weird twinge.

He meets Kougyoku and feels a similar weird twinge.

He meets Koumei, Kouha and Hakuei and feels a shade of the weird twinge.

He doesn't understand that feeling.

He meets Hakuryuu and feels that weird twinge magnify a hundredfold.

He thinks that it's an attraction to candidates that he can pick to become king.

The old men and hags surrounding him don't refute that reasoning, so he must be right.

He must be right.

**•••**

How dare he—

How dare he—

How dare he—

He's just a chibi.

He doesn't even know what a magi is.

He doesn't even know what choosing a king candidate means.

He doesn't even know the first thing about choosing a powerful king vessel.

He's so unfair.

He's even using a djinn that doesn't even need his magoi.

How dare he—

He's even using a weird power.

He's even showing these images to him.

He's even invading his mind and making him see things that he has never wanted to witness.

How dare he change his way of life?!

**•••**

Thanks to that chibi's power, he now finally understands a lot of things.

He understands how unlucky, how lonely, how fucked up his life is.

He understands his own weakness against that damn hag and her group of magicians.

He understands why he keeps on feeling that weird twinge whenever he sees the people he raised dungeons for.

He now knows that he recognizes the thirst for ambition that's threatening to swallow that stupid king whole.

He now knows that he recognizes the fanatical goal that governs Kouen's motivations to rise on top.

He now knows that he recognizes the loneliness in being abandoned and forgotten, only to be remembered when it's time to be used, when it's time to be used as a pawn like that old hag Kougyoku.

He now knows that he recognizes the feeling of being looked down on by an empire that supposedly looks out for everybody's interests.

He now knows why he's interested in Hakuryuu so much, even when the other is a crybaby who stubbornly refuses all of his advances and offers to provide power.

He now knows that he's attracted to people who have great potential for hatred, for sadness, for cursing their own destinies.

He now knows that he does hate this world after all, for picking on him and saddling him with such an unlucky fate.

He wants to have friends.

(But that chibi already has his king candidate and he only wants the goody-goody ones who are not tainted by anything.)

He wants to not be lonely anymore.

(But that stupid king doesn't care about anything besides his stupid country and his stupid goals.)

He wants to choose a king and build a proper country.

(But none of them want to break away from this rotting empire.)

He wants to stop being alone in his fight against this world.

(But Hakuryuu doesn't want to come to his side.)

He wants.

**•••**

He makes a last-ditch effort to get Hakuryuu to his side.

"Even so, I've got my faith in you, you know."

He recognizes the exact same hatred burning in Hakuryuu's veins.

He knows that Hakuryuu will eventually realize that he not only hates his mother, but also this world, this destiny.

He has faith in Hakuryuu.

**•••**

He can barely contain his excitement when Hakuryuu finally approaches him.

He's so excited to raise the dungeon.

He's so pumped up for his first-ever time to enter a dungeon with a king's candidate that he has chosen for himself.

He's worried that Hakuryuu will change his mind.

"Why did you choose to work with me?"

Hakuryuu asks him.

He wants to grab the other's shoulders and shake him.

He wants to yell about how the world continues to betray them time and time again, doesn't that make them kindred spirits, doesn't that make them allies?

He wants Hakuryuu to realize all those things on his own.

"Because you're the only one who has the exact same thing as me."

He gives in to a part of his urges and grabs Hakuryuu's shoulders nevertheless, whispering a hint to the crybaby prince's ears.

He can't wait until Hakuryuu finally crosses that line.

**•••**

"What will you choose now, Hakuryuu?!"

He can taste victory.

"That should be clear by now."

He smiles—grins—chuckles—he doesn't know anything else—but just—finally, finally.

"You finally came to my side, Hakuryuu! I'll make you to a king!"

He's ready to do anything to keep this person by his side.

He knows that this isn't the right path.

They both know that this isn't the right destiny.

But in the face of having his life complete, his soul fulfilled, his dreams accomplished—he'd rather smash this world into pieces and create it anew.

After all, he finally isn't alone.


End file.
